The movie ended, and on an impulse he picked up the phone and called his ex-girlfriend. He only got her voicemail. He left a garbled message and hung up, then walked into the lounge room.

“This is my life,” he announced to his dog, who was lying on the couch. She looked up at him. He waved his arm dismissively at the coffee table. “Glass of wine, bag of cashews, and needing to buy cigarettes. Is that profound? Is talking to your dog profound? Should I hire some existential detectives to find out?”

You see, he’d just watched this movie entitled I Heart Huckabees, except it wasn’t the word “heart” in the title, it was an actual heart. Well, not an actual anatomical heart, but a heart shape. You know, like on valentines. Or in “I Heart New York.”

The movie was quite clever and profound. A brilliant script, and very well acted, with an excellent cast. In the extras on the DVD you could watch the outtakes and it looked like they all had a great time making it, they were laughing and joking all the time and saying funny smart things.

Well. How nice to be famous AND clever.

There was a lot of chocolate left over from Christmas. He opened one box and ate some. It was melted and soft and squishy, which was odd because it hadn’t really been that hot in the previous days. The chocolate made him feel sick afterwards.

Other good, profound and clever movies include After Hours and Roadside Prophets. In case you were looking for some recommendations.

He had resolved to not buy any more cigarettes and hadn’t even intended to drink that night, but then somehow he had drunk a whole bottle of wine and now really needed to get cigarettes. He had also resolved to eat healthy, but there was all this bacon left over from Christmas brunch when he’d made pancakes for everyone and was going to also serve bacon but then there hadn’t been time because he’d been on the phone to his friend overseas for two hours because his friend was getting divorced and so he’d only made the pancakes and now he had to eat the bacon before it went bad, so he’d made fried rice with diced bacon which was delicious but not healthy and then drunk the wine and eaten cashews and chocolate and now he needed to buy cigarettes.

“Maybe I don’t need to buy cigarettes,” he said to the dog. He leaned down close to her face, looked deep into her eyes. “Maybe I just need to need to. Does that make any sense? Is that profound?”